Little Words
Words are powerful. Often, when we hear that phrase, we associate the concept with robust dialog, succinctly developed prose, or emotionally charged language delivered with passion. Small words – the ones we use in everyday language can equally impact a listener - sometimes in very unintended ways. “But” may be one of the best examples of this. In fact, I contend “but” should be used rarely and carefully. I can think of no other word that when used, is done so with an intention unassociated with its proper use. Yet it is used often, typically generating unintended consequences.
To refresh your memory from eighth grade English, the word “but” is a coordinating conjunction. Coordinating conjunctions are intended to connect grammatically equal elements. While I am not a grammarian, I am a keen observer of human behavior and communication. Most people are not grammarians either and what the word “but” expresses is often not how the gods of grammar intended. Rather, it is often used to justify, modify, or minimize one action in relation to the other – and that is where the problem lies.
As an example, how often have you asked someone for “input” only to respond to their thoughts with a “yes but that…” I can tell you that having listened to frustrations from clients about bosses or coworkers, I can assure you the single word “but” in this example, causes the receiver to feel their idea has been discounted. It creates an anxious brain reaction impeding additional thinking and creates a sense they were unknowingly part of a right/wrong discussion. It certainly does not garner a sense that the person asking is wholly interested in their input.
Instead, imagine being asked for input and upon providing it, the response was “yes - and what would that mean for…” The nature of this is an affirmation that lights up the curious brain, encouraging further thought, rather than the anxious brain, limiting thought.
Another great example is the “but” apology. “I’m sorry I…but I…” By its very nature it suggests that while you may be apologizing, there was a condition or circumstance that justified your behavior. We have all done this at some point. It happens when we may feel badly about our behavior or actions, yet there is a little part of us that wants to save face. The issue is if you are apologizing, there is no room for justification. If you want to explain what you were thinking, just step in and own it. “I am sorry I acted badly. I was anxious about…” The truth is, the best way to “save face” is to own your actions. Nothing garners greater respect than naming your misstep and being accountable for it. Saving face is overrated.
Tiny words can have a powerful impact in the relationships you are trying to develop, the culture you are trying to create and the person or leader you are trying to be. Paying attention to the small parts of your language can set the stage for larger and more positive impacts on relationships.
Take care of the little things and the larger ones will follow. Stay well.
P.S.
For more insights on how changing your language can be the shift in supporting your journey to the kind of leader you hope to be – look for the first episode of Beyond Neutral, my podcast that debuts on March 15th.
